Tears just flowed…

I stared at the computer, the computer stared back at me, I went into deep thoughts and tears just started to flow. The only thing I was sure of at this moment… I’m crying, just so abrubtly, I think it’s my emotions that got built up over the past few months, but I’m not sure exactly why. I thought my positive thoughts made me happy, that I can enjoy life despite what gets thrown at me, but I was way too wrong. Now I realized I can’t take everything positively, I’m just another weak guy that needs to feel loved, not constantly get scolded at.

What should I do when I’m breaking down, but I know I can’t break free?
What should I do when I feel that I can’t go on like this, but I have to?
What should I do when the whole world sides with you, just because you’re female?
What should I do when you just seem to hate everything I do, yet want to be with me?
What should I do when I really need time away from you, yet you won’t give me some time alone?

Everyone will simply tell me to be more sensitive, to love you more and to understand your stress since you’re working. If I’m a girl and you’re the guy, would they give the same advice? I doubt so, people will be more likely to be asking “why are you staying with this freaking monster that’s taking away your life?” Of course I know you’re working hard, your current working hours put my schedule to shame, but haven’t I worked hard for you before also? Just think back to my poly days when I’m studying, management committee of computer club, Youth Flying Club, having volunteer work, Handling my websites and still have to spend time with you. Did I show you this type of attitude for a prolonged length of time?

I’m seriously tired of trying to make sense, because love is not about who’s right or who’s wrong. Maybe everything is because of my actions that got you angry, but it’s pointless to discuss this, because regardless of who’s right or wrong, there are only two outcomes in love. Happiness or Unhappiness… right now, I know I’m in a state of extreme unhappiness, otherwise I would never have blogged about it or send you that many SMSes to tell you how I feel. You ignored the SMSes and I know you’ll probably be scolding me for blogging about my feelings. But think about it… I thought if I loved you more, you’ll stop your nonsense… I wrote lovely words for you, draw lovely cartoons for you on MSN, yet your persistence in finding something to pick on me is relentless.

I just realized that when I started writing this post, I was in tears… now, my heart is full of hate, hating myself for blogging about such stuff in public, hating you for changing so much. In the first 3 years of our relationship, you have never shouted at me or even got angry with me. Now, the frequency of me getting scolded is more than the number of meals I eat. Even if I don’t see you, you can call me just to rant at me… maybe singtel should charge higher fees.

You keep asking me why do I have to go out or go to my home to study, why can’t I stay in your home to study? I’ll tell you the reason, staying in your home made me think of you and your scoldings, I can’t get to study thinking of all this crap. All the time I spend in your home is totally wasted, because I just go into a daze and my tears start flowing again. Studying with my friends or my brother helps me forget about the unhappy thoughts, so I can at least study a bit. It’s going to be damn hard for me to study for my next few exams, cause right now… I’m at the peak of negativity - never for once had I felt my life so screwed up.

I’m really tired of everything and it’s because I love you.
That’s why when you don’t understand me, it pierces me even harder.
That’s why when you scold me, it gets deeply rooted in my mind.
That’s why I hope you can go back to the way you were.

I know this is impossible, you will never change for my sake. I will continue to live my life this way, until my feelings get numbed and I give up on love. However, I have swored in my marriage vows and I will still be your husband then, just without the emotions and love that got us together. This tale will end with ‘Unhappily Ever After’…